Friendship...?

Recently I've been feeling like I am the only one caring.

I feel like I am surrounded by one-sided friendships and two faced people.

Why am I the only one asking questions? Why aren't there any questions about me? Why do I always have to volunteer information? Why do I feel happy one moment and am in tears the second I leave? Am I too nice? Do I choose the wrong friends? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? Why does this even matter to me so much? Am I crazy? Why bother? Why even care? Why?

Third-wheel, second choice, forgotten, marginalized, used, dumped.

Friendships hurt. It is something that I have discovered in my life. But they can also lead to some of life's greatest joys - you just need the right people... so where are they? Why haven't they found me yet? Why haven't my friends become them?

I am not saying that my friends don't love me or care, but I am saying I wish I wasn't a friendship of convenience, one you can put to the side when need be, that is forgettable, unnecessary, a whenever-whatever sort of friend.

I want a friendship that is equal, open, real and of wanting and enjoying spending time with each other - that of best friends.

But still, I feel like there is something that I am forgetting something. Something deep down that tugging at my heart, and making me itch until I recognize what it is and let it out...

I WANT TO BE LOVED... the way I love. I want to recognized and known -  a friend people talk to their other friends about how great they are.

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALONE like I sometimes did and still do, and I never want anyone to feel like I do.

BUT to have this friend I have to be that friend.

Even if it means getting walked over, forgotten, being the third wheel, second choice, marginalized, used and dumped.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

A rule that I've known since childhood and tried to live to the fullest despite being left hurt, scarred and alone.

So I am still searching, I came to university in hot pursuit of such a friend - and I think I may have found it in one person here so far.

It is a friendship that when I leave - I don't feel like crying. It is a friendship where I feel valued, listened to and loved. I am happy. The friendship is still young and needs work and time but it is full of light and joy.

Yet, I yearn to have the same with some of my other favourite people here. It breaks my heart because I feel that I don't know theirs as much as I would like to and it breaks mine even more when I see people that do.

Is jealousy possible in friendships?

Love. Love is what heals all wounds and helps you stand when you are still fighting.

It vanquishes jealousy, it never forgets, it gives you strength and courage to stand up for yourself.

It is open, all-encompassing, caring, accepting, forgiving, always there, never fails and never gives up or lets you go.

What I try to remember when I am crying because I don't feel like people care or care enough - I remember that God always cares, more than anyone ever can or will and my relationship with Him is the only one that matters most. He loves me and is my true friend.

It's just not the same to watch a movie with Him.